Saturday December 05 2009

The man child inside of Matt wants a Christmas tree really bad so I agreed to go get one (since I figured that if I didn't, he would get an 14 foot monster tree). Being the logical minded person I am, I suggested we get the Christmas tree stand before getting the tree so that we can stick it in something before letting it die a slow death in my living room. So we went to WalMart and they were either completely sold out or didn't understand English; I'm not sure which, but either way we weren't getting a tree stand there. I suggested we go to BJ's and maybe they would have one there because you gotta be a member and they don't just let any person in there to buy a Christmas tree stand. We go in and there's a lot of security detail working. I ask an employee where the Christmas tree stands are and he says he doesn't know if they carry them in stock, but Sarah Palin was there. This was an even less comprehensible response than the woman at WalMart, but sure enough, there was Sarah Palin, all going rogue in the paper towel aisle, signing books and such. So I say to Matt, Matt I got an idea, let's get in line and get and get a signed copy. So the line actually went out the door and it's snowing in Fairfax, but I promised Matt's inner man child that we would get a Christmas tree if he stood in line with me to get a book for my mom because she has a huge Sarah Palin shrine.

So we're in line and the woman in front of us is freaking out because she's so damn excited that Sarah Palin is there and she won't shut the hell up. I'm carrying a big bag of bagels because we went out to get some bagels and lox earlier and I have to hand it to the security guard. What's in here, he says. And I say Bagels. And then the bag breaks because it's so wet from the snow. But the BJs employees get me a new bag because I'm a member and they are required to treat me with the utmost exclusive privileges. Oh, and Todd Palin was there which kinda made me laugh because no one wanted to see him even though I peed myself laughing at him in the Sarah Palin SNL rap. So I got the signature (made out to my Mom) and Sarah Palin seemed to be pretty energetic despite being stuck in the paper towel aisle of a BJ's Club Warehouse for the past 6 hours surrounded by sweaty gross people who came in from the snow. I gotta thank Sarah for automatically making me the favorite child of the holiday season once I drop this sucker under the tree. I guarantee my Mom is going to cry. It's going to be awesome. They wouldn't let me get a picture on my crappy Blackberry camera phone, but there was a professional photographer there taking pictures of everyone getting a book signed so I'm probably going to wind up in a Palin/Beck 2012 campaign ad. One of those ads where they try to appeal to the middle class people who are neither good looking nor have asymmetrical looking faces or scars from prison knife fights; good hard working folks who have good tastes but still get excited about going to Applebees for supper.

And BJ's didn't have Christmas Tree stands either.


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